So beginith the rant:
I have, on occasion, been pulled over. I would like think I handle the situation like a professional. I give respect, I try to be patient, and I generally don't let my mouth start running with the filter off (most of the time).
Part of my daily ritual is to check my email. When I go to the Yahoo I like to run through the news stories on the ticker. One of their advice columns was about what not to say when pulled over. Unfortunately it wasn't all that specific, and read more like a "don't break a traffic law" how to guide.
So to supplement where I found this article lacking I will now make a lists of things NOT to say to an officer when pulled over.
First: Do not respond to the question "Do you know why I stopped you?" with: Because you're lonely; You thought I was cute; You needed a hug; You needed an excuse to use the siren; I woke you up; you wanted to arm wrestle...
-Do not ask to see their gun
-Do not say "hey your fly is open"... then laugh "haha sucker"
-Do not ask to wear their hat
-Don't say "here hold my beer"
-Do not use the words dead or hooker... at all.
-I'm on a mission from God doesn't work... See also blues brothers
-They do not like to be complimented on their mustaches
-Never ask a female cop to handcuff you... This will end badly
-Never ask if they can hear something kicking around in the trunk.
-they will not give you night vision to drive home with no headlights... they will just tow your car for being unsafe.
-When asked why were you speeding do not say... I CAN'T DRIVE 55 (in your best metal scream); because if you aint winning you're losing; my meth is getting cold; I don't wanna miss the first part of Idol; Cause I have to poop; my car is like a jetski and it will only turn if I accelerate; there is a killer after me; why is everyone else driving so slow?
This should help keep you guys out of trouble. You're welcome.
So endith the Rant:
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
don't poke a badger with a spoon
So beginith the rant:
I love FL. "Why?" you ask. Well all the great crazies come from here. The guy who started a church in Miami on the grounds he believed he was the anti-Christ, Scientology, and the dove of freedom church in Gainsville. This church popped up on my radar about a week ago when it was dinged in a local paper with its facebook campaign to burn a pile of Koran's on 9/11. Then the press machine got a hold of it and it made the yahoo main page.
What makes me smile deep down inside my soul is that other Christians, in fact most Christians, see this as a bad idea, and will not make one excuse for this type of douche move. I have seen pastors and church's go from pray for them to see how this is not Christ like to outright outrage and challenging whether or not they are actually a "Christian" church seeing how that whole love and respect aspect seems to have fallen out of their bibles.
But I'm not here to further condemn them for this exercise in jackassery. Nope, I'm going to turn the tables to our friends in the Islamic world. "What? Isn't this like blaming the victim in a rape case?"... NO. It's not like that. Just bare with me for a second.
When the military strategist for our war on terror, wait "over seas contiguity" states that this action of a troglodyte pastor and his cohorts will be used by extremest as a rallying tool to kill more people, troops, and cute cuddly things. I started to take a look at it from another angle. Which is, "Why do we tolerate these religious jackasses killing people in the name of Islam?" I have asked this a million times before.
But seriously look at this situation. This goober wants to burn some books he believes are evil and turns people into baby killing psychos and we (by we I mean a nation, a culture, and Christians) will throw him under the bus because he is a jackhole... We are not hated for this. No one looks at those of us in the Christian community that speak out against those who do bad things in the name of our faith. We are not hated for denouncing the ranks of those who protest military funerals or throw rocks at abortion clinics. I have no problems apologizing for those idiots, they are like a friend who is cool until they get smashed at a party and then you have to explain to everyone that you don't condone that type of behavior.
"Yes, technically they are Christian, but they are not doing it right. In fact they are making big mistakes. We should pray for them, and learn not to be like them"
"Yes, he's my buddy. Sorry he's normally really cool. But now I know he can't come and hang out with us anymore until he learns to know when to say when."
Yet, and this is a big yet. If someone today speaks out against those mouth breathing woman hating, baby killing knuckle draggers in the mideast you are branded as an "Islamaphobe". We are told that we should watch what we say and do as to not stir up the aholes over there and cause more problems... That is just not right. I shouldn't have to censor myself to keep backward evil people happy... No one should.
Don't get me wrong. Pastor "burny book" is doing it wrong. (when has a book burning ever been a good idea?) But,why isn't someone outraged and appalled by the fact that there is a group of people who will kill people just because they happen to have the same skin color or nationality as those who came up with that idea? Where is the lines of people marching in our streets protesting the religious practices of these people? Oh wait... we had those? Really? I thought those were just racist rallies of idiots who hate black people and other cultures. But what do I know I like tea. (that is another rant for another day)
So Endith the Rant:
I love FL. "Why?" you ask. Well all the great crazies come from here. The guy who started a church in Miami on the grounds he believed he was the anti-Christ, Scientology, and the dove of freedom church in Gainsville. This church popped up on my radar about a week ago when it was dinged in a local paper with its facebook campaign to burn a pile of Koran's on 9/11. Then the press machine got a hold of it and it made the yahoo main page.
What makes me smile deep down inside my soul is that other Christians, in fact most Christians, see this as a bad idea, and will not make one excuse for this type of douche move. I have seen pastors and church's go from pray for them to see how this is not Christ like to outright outrage and challenging whether or not they are actually a "Christian" church seeing how that whole love and respect aspect seems to have fallen out of their bibles.
But I'm not here to further condemn them for this exercise in jackassery. Nope, I'm going to turn the tables to our friends in the Islamic world. "What? Isn't this like blaming the victim in a rape case?"... NO. It's not like that. Just bare with me for a second.
When the military strategist for our war on terror, wait "over seas contiguity" states that this action of a troglodyte pastor and his cohorts will be used by extremest as a rallying tool to kill more people, troops, and cute cuddly things. I started to take a look at it from another angle. Which is, "Why do we tolerate these religious jackasses killing people in the name of Islam?" I have asked this a million times before.
But seriously look at this situation. This goober wants to burn some books he believes are evil and turns people into baby killing psychos and we (by we I mean a nation, a culture, and Christians) will throw him under the bus because he is a jackhole... We are not hated for this. No one looks at those of us in the Christian community that speak out against those who do bad things in the name of our faith. We are not hated for denouncing the ranks of those who protest military funerals or throw rocks at abortion clinics. I have no problems apologizing for those idiots, they are like a friend who is cool until they get smashed at a party and then you have to explain to everyone that you don't condone that type of behavior.
"Yes, technically they are Christian, but they are not doing it right. In fact they are making big mistakes. We should pray for them, and learn not to be like them"
"Yes, he's my buddy. Sorry he's normally really cool. But now I know he can't come and hang out with us anymore until he learns to know when to say when."
Yet, and this is a big yet. If someone today speaks out against those mouth breathing woman hating, baby killing knuckle draggers in the mideast you are branded as an "Islamaphobe". We are told that we should watch what we say and do as to not stir up the aholes over there and cause more problems... That is just not right. I shouldn't have to censor myself to keep backward evil people happy... No one should.
Don't get me wrong. Pastor "burny book" is doing it wrong. (when has a book burning ever been a good idea?) But,why isn't someone outraged and appalled by the fact that there is a group of people who will kill people just because they happen to have the same skin color or nationality as those who came up with that idea? Where is the lines of people marching in our streets protesting the religious practices of these people? Oh wait... we had those? Really? I thought those were just racist rallies of idiots who hate black people and other cultures. But what do I know I like tea. (that is another rant for another day)
So Endith the Rant:
Friday, September 3, 2010
a car is a vehicle
So beginith the rant:
Let me paint you a picture... Close your eyes (wait, you couldn't read if you did that, crap you couldn't read this if you had already done that) F'n let's start over.
Let me set the stage... Call in someone who knows how to read. Have them read this to you while you close your eyes and visualize the situation. (see how I fixed that.. man I'm awesome)
Okay, It's summer. It's three in the afternoon. You are in a dark colored shirt, jeans, and work boots. Wind none. Humidity 80%. You are in the parking lot surrounded by a sea of black asphalt which is radiating heat like the surface of the sun. A person walks up to you and you gaze upon them, thinking wow someone else can share the hell that is this moist microwave of despair. You both stand and sweat in the heat. The person forces a smile and goes to speak. Surely something they will say will help you deal with the torture that you currently endure. But instead of a quip about life or even a pithy "at least it aint raining" you get a, "man it's hot out here." Now in your head did you turn white with rage and bludgeon the person to death with their shoes? (I know you can't do it in real life, but remember that was an exercise in pretend. We all know that sometimes the pretend world gets out of hand)
I mention this little thought experiment to illustrate a point about things people say just to make noises in social situation. Because what they say could remain unsaid and saying them only removes the impression of intelligence from them.
I will now bring to light a phrase that, if uttered to me, will quickly be met with verbal consequences. Such as, "you're and idiot." or "that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard." or "not speaking is something you should invest in." or "I know in your head you think you're deep, but to ants mud puddles are the F'n ocean."
"What is this phrase?" you ask. Here it comes, "It is what it is." You have just read the dumbest thing to ever be said in this history of dumb things said. (if Paris Hilton were to speak this aloud it could cause a black hole of stupid large enough to swallow half the U.S. population)
Why does this make the top of my list? In the past few months of my life I have experienced some extreme life changing events. (Ranging from a marriage ending to changing of career direction)
The people who are close to me surrounded me with love and great advice. Even spoke words of wisdom that have helped me pick the pieces of my life up and start to rebuild a better mousetrap out of them. But some people... Some people... Who are not well "good" at dealing with tough stuff. (which is most people) will hear about what has happened to me and throw out the gem of "It is what it is..." Which I ignored at first but by now cannot help but boil over with ire when I hear it. In fact, if I hear it said to someone else for any reason I make it a point to ensure the person who said knows they are mentally defective.
Now lets look closely at the stupidity of this phrase. "It is what It is." It violates the law of defining a word by using the word in the definition. (See also Lucky Number Sleven) It is a self canceling phrase that means nothing. Because something is, it is. That doesn't need to be said. It's just how the f'n universe works (unless you buy into some far ranging philosophy on the subject... that is a rant for another day) Seriously, if you have ever said this phrase, don't do it again. A little bit of your soul, brain, and relevance dies every time you say it. Not to mention who ever you said it to doesn't think you're deep they think you lick windows. But it is what it is.
So endith the Rant.
Let me paint you a picture... Close your eyes (wait, you couldn't read if you did that, crap you couldn't read this if you had already done that) F'n let's start over.
Let me set the stage... Call in someone who knows how to read. Have them read this to you while you close your eyes and visualize the situation. (see how I fixed that.. man I'm awesome)
Okay, It's summer. It's three in the afternoon. You are in a dark colored shirt, jeans, and work boots. Wind none. Humidity 80%. You are in the parking lot surrounded by a sea of black asphalt which is radiating heat like the surface of the sun. A person walks up to you and you gaze upon them, thinking wow someone else can share the hell that is this moist microwave of despair. You both stand and sweat in the heat. The person forces a smile and goes to speak. Surely something they will say will help you deal with the torture that you currently endure. But instead of a quip about life or even a pithy "at least it aint raining" you get a, "man it's hot out here." Now in your head did you turn white with rage and bludgeon the person to death with their shoes? (I know you can't do it in real life, but remember that was an exercise in pretend. We all know that sometimes the pretend world gets out of hand)
I mention this little thought experiment to illustrate a point about things people say just to make noises in social situation. Because what they say could remain unsaid and saying them only removes the impression of intelligence from them.
I will now bring to light a phrase that, if uttered to me, will quickly be met with verbal consequences. Such as, "you're and idiot." or "that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard." or "not speaking is something you should invest in." or "I know in your head you think you're deep, but to ants mud puddles are the F'n ocean."
"What is this phrase?" you ask. Here it comes, "It is what it is." You have just read the dumbest thing to ever be said in this history of dumb things said. (if Paris Hilton were to speak this aloud it could cause a black hole of stupid large enough to swallow half the U.S. population)
Why does this make the top of my list? In the past few months of my life I have experienced some extreme life changing events. (Ranging from a marriage ending to changing of career direction)
The people who are close to me surrounded me with love and great advice. Even spoke words of wisdom that have helped me pick the pieces of my life up and start to rebuild a better mousetrap out of them. But some people... Some people... Who are not well "good" at dealing with tough stuff. (which is most people) will hear about what has happened to me and throw out the gem of "It is what it is..." Which I ignored at first but by now cannot help but boil over with ire when I hear it. In fact, if I hear it said to someone else for any reason I make it a point to ensure the person who said knows they are mentally defective.
Now lets look closely at the stupidity of this phrase. "It is what It is." It violates the law of defining a word by using the word in the definition. (See also Lucky Number Sleven) It is a self canceling phrase that means nothing. Because something is, it is. That doesn't need to be said. It's just how the f'n universe works (unless you buy into some far ranging philosophy on the subject... that is a rant for another day) Seriously, if you have ever said this phrase, don't do it again. A little bit of your soul, brain, and relevance dies every time you say it. Not to mention who ever you said it to doesn't think you're deep they think you lick windows. But it is what it is.
So endith the Rant.
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