conspiracy... maybe

So beginith the rant:

I do not hate anyone, and I'm not the kind of person to hate a group of people. I also don't really dig making fun of someone about something they can't help. For example if you are in a wheelchair or blind you can't really help that. Even if you weren't born that way, but rather a stupid life choice left you that way being blind or crippled is really enough. No need for me to add insult to injury.

I want to say that this rant is not making fun of fat people. I don't want that to be what you draw from this, but Some of the things I say could be taken wrong for that I apologize in advance.


I am 6'2" 200lbs of dude I have a 34" waist, a 34" inseam and a 44" chest. I'm not gigantic but I'm not small ether I am above average in size for a male. In fact I am best described as "deceptively large". Keep this in mind as I explain my conspiracy theory.


My theory is this:
Someone in the TSA or FAA as a cruel joke has placed me on some type of list that ensures that if I buy a plane ticket with a seat that does not sit alone the seat adjoining mine must be occupied by an obese person. In my years of flying with the exception of the times when I didn't travel alone I have never had the pleasure of not sharing a row with a fat person.

I would literally be shocked to the point of awe if on my next flight an attractive slim lady were to sit in the seat next to me... As nice as that would be I would be equally shocked if a skinny anything were to sit next to me, male or female attractive or ugly. I so hat leaning while a stationary arm rest causes internal bleeding to my; kidneys I would gladly welcome a woman with a screaming child over a two seat sized ass crammed into a single coach seat. In my flight career I have had neighbors in the seat next to me on numerous occasions request that extension to the seat belt, seriously you need to reconsider life if you have to add length to a seat belt on an airplane (it's called lapband look it up)


Of course the few times I fly southwest it is the people's choice who they sit next to and because I'm not small most people opt for a short person rather than a lanky white dude which means as the flight fills up I get the bottom of the barrel folks which often fit the parameters of the fatties mentioned above. But this does not count as the choice is theirs not some hateful algorithm in a computer designed to make sure my reward for buying a plane ticket is spinal curvature by the time I land.

I will post again after my flight home next Wednesday to see if my conspiracy theory holds water.

So endith the rant.. for now.


**UPDATE**

Today on my flight from OKC to Memphis I was surprised to see a slim gentleman in his mid 50's as my seatmate. After I checked my ticket twice I sat down and settled in. I was starting to tear up as I looked at him. It was obvious that he was confused and nervous (if a big creepy white dude was staring at you tearing up you's be putt off too). I wanted to assure the guy that they were tears of joy so I tried to hug him. Which was slightly awkward because of the seat belts. This began to panic him further so I used words to communicate. I told him about my luck with seatmates and my theory on the conspiracy. He laughed. I laughed. Then a young lady with a screaming child settled right across the isle from me.
It was at this time I realized that there was a higher power that was torturing me through my seating... Go back and read the post. What did I say I would prefer instead of another obese person? What did I get?
Whoever it is they read my rants... Which is frightening, nobody should wield that much power and still stoop to read my garbage. They are not stable.
I suggest you all sleep with you doors locked tight. I know I am.

here's to you

I salute you, Local who refuses to pay cover or wait in line or follow the rules of an establishment because you happen to live in the area.
Thanks, your poor attitude and entitlement mentality makes enforcing the rules even more difficult for the rest of us.
I appreciate how you are filled with rage by having to be like the normal people who have taken time off their busy schedule to vacation in your area, which provides you with the money to enjoy the little things like, food and shelter.
So today, I give you a long lingering high five oh master of the gripe. Smile and pat yourself on the back as you complain out of a five dollar cover that goes to pay the band, and stay classy.

back

So beginith the rant:


This rant will be short.
And by most standards not even that "ranty".
I have found myself in a position in life where a "normal" person would have much to blindly rant and rage about.
But I refuse to air my laundry in detail on the inner-webs for a few reasons.
1. I prefer to use short cryptic messages on public forums so that people who know me will get it and the rest of the masses will just skim on by.
2. I don't think that anyone really wants to hear about my problems in detail anyway. I mean I rant on here because I know three people read it, and therefor want them to continue.
3. Principle. Yup, I have a distaste for the people who publicly throw around sensitive personal matters that can have a ripple effect on those around them.
5. I am anti-drama. Why would I feed someone's addiction? It would be like an avid anti drug user selling crack.

Moral of this little story. I have lots to rant about, and none of it will be about "that stuff".

So endith the Rant:

i saw the light

So beginith the rant:

I live in the sunshine state, but unlike what the name suggests there are times when the sun doesn't actually shine. Like at night or during heavy rain. During these rare moments of sunlessness people in the FL find that driving will require the use of headlights.

Headlights are important they allow you to see obstacles in you way like deer, dogs, and unsupervised children. Headlights also allow you to be seen by other motorists which keeps you from trying to make a real life Voltron. Headlights are not the source of my ire here today. You see when you have a headlight out you generally replace it quickly seeing how you need then to see at night.

No, I have found an annoyance that fills me with indignant rage, which is easy to do when I'm driving especially if I'm driving in FL during a rainstorm. (I have road rage issues) When driving home from work the other afternoon during a particularly heavy rain shower I was stuck behind a green SUV who had a taillight out. So only one light lit up to inform me he/she was stopping. This would have been the end of my story, and there would be no rant here if that was the only vehicle with the problem. Nope, by the time I finished the 15min drive to my home, in the rain, I was behind no less than 5 cars with only one working tail light.

The safety issues bother me, and the annoyance of following them gets at me a bit too, but what really rubs me the wrong way is the fact that they have not been pulled over repeatedly for this. I have had tail light go out a few times in my jeep, due to a wiring problem that may or may not have resulted from one of the times the vehicle caught on fire. Anyhoo... I have been pulled over a dozen times at least because of this. In fact I don't think I have ever gone more than a day or two with a tail light out without an officer pointing it out to me, both in the state of OK and FL. So how do these jackholes get a pass from that annoyance? Or am I to believe that all 5 of these vehicles lost tail light function on the same day?

So endith the rant.

spell'n is hard

So beginith the Rant:

I'm not a big fan of public protest. I believe it can be used, in moderation, to show disapproval for certain key items. By "key" I mean something that can negatively effect life, limb, and prosperity of humans. All other displays of civil disobedience for numerous reason that do not fall under that umbrella of importance are just boarder line nut jobs who need to take up a hobby that keeps them indoors. (you hearing me hippies? How about knitting?)

Today I was driving and heard on the radio that the national spelling bee in Washington D.C. was protested. The first thoughts to run through my head was, "Wow, I hate spelling, I suck at it. And I am so not a fan of the spelling bee. But I would never protest it. Because no one would support my irrational dislike of spelling. So, why the protest?"
Surely someone who is running the bee said something about gays, or is gay. Or maybe a judge was a convicted felon. Maybe someone sees the competition as objectifying children, or bias against dumb children. Maybe some bees were injured during the production. All of these reason would, in our world of idiots, seem to me as "reasonable" excuses to get riled up. (reasonable by hippie standards... stupid hippies)

As I read the article I realized that the small group of 4 protesters had an agenda that I completely support. Had I even known this bunch of crazies existed I would have made the jaunt to support the cause. (well maybe not, but I would have bought a t-shirt or wore a wristband)
Their point was this, "Spelling is too hard. We should change the English language to reflect logical and phonic spelling."
Can I get an amen?!
Those of you who know me, know my spelling ability can be surpassed by your average 4th grader. (seriously a below average 4th grader would stand a chance) I have always been cursed with a brain that sees words as more shapes and symbols rather than sounds, yet when it came to putting words down my brain will go with the letters that make the right sound. I'm sure this is a known and proven learning disability, and I bet there are special classes and meetings where I could go and be with more of my kind. (that frightens me... I like the idea that I'm like the highlander with this spelling curse, there can be only one)
Back on task. Imagine a world were you could spell anything as long as you knew what sound letter made... It would be awesome. And I would never have to call anyone named "Sean" "Shawn" again.... Sean your name is SEEN. And Herb would be a name and erb would be what you eat from the garden.


So endith the rant:

http://www.onenewsnow.com/AP/Search/US/Default.aspx?id=1036740

I promise this is the last time.

So beginith the rant:

Back on my BP rant. You know about that oil spill that is in the gulf. The same oil spill that isn't washing up on the beaches of North West Florida. I just want to share a conversation I overheard between two people.
Business owner 1 will be called "Lady". Business owner 2 will be called "Man".
Here we go.

Lady, "Hey, we are really slow this week."
Man, "Wow, even though its Memorial Day Weekend?"
Lady, "Yes, we are down 30% from last years numbers."
Man, "Wow, that's tough. We are kind of slow too."
Lady, "Yeah. Well we went to the BP claims adjuster and filed our claim for reimbursement."
Man, "Seriously? Reimbursement? But there is no oil."
Lady, "But BP set up an office for anyone who is suffering business loss due to the oil spill."
Man, "Really. How much can you get?"
Lady, "Don't know we just filed our claim and go back in a few days to see, but we know someone who walked out with a $5,000 check."
Man, "Wow! Really?"
Lady, "Yeah, Really."
(A quick side note "man" has not to my knowledge gone to BP to file a claim.)

I know British Petroleum kinda screwed the pooch on this oil spill. And from everything I've read they are bending over backwards to help those people out who need it. And I appreciate the fact that they even set up a claims office in our area. But they shouldn't need to open it seeing how there is no oil here.
But the people who are riled up about losing business didn't lose it because of oil, nope they lost it because people think there is oil here. One should ask the question, "Why would people be under the impression that there is oil on beaches when there isn't?" Probably because the media keeps playing this story up with no solid facts. The more sensational the more extreme the better. The graphs the maps are not accurate they are "expert projections", and by projections we really mean worse case scenarios from jack holes who barely know what the heck they're talking about.
So, now BP is having to spend money to reimburse people who don't have oil on their beaches because the oil spill has scared people away from the clean beaches too. And in our world's twisted view that is BP's fault.

Will someone please restore my hope in humanity?

I would love for a business owner to bypass the BP claim and file one against a major media outlet for scaring off business. Make CNN, FOX, MSNBC, CBS or ABC write you a check. Hold them accountable. I hate when people throw around lawsuits for the sake of lawsuits but this one seems kind of legit.
If you don't have crude sticking to your feet then BP shouldn't have to pay you.
As for the "Lady" in the conversation above her lack of numbers could be attributed to a million different things. Seeing how she ran a specialty shot that appeals to a very, VERY small demographic. A demographic that may not have happened to vacation at the same time same place this year, but that's BP's fault as well. (another side note her business is located in a resort that at the time was at 98% occupancy, which is pretty dang full of people)

For some reason we (by we I mean our culture) have demonized oil companies and have no problem talking pot shot at them. Surely its not because of the product that we all use and need to survive. I mean do you hate farmers? They make money off your food? But it's not really just big oil under the hate umbrella its all big business, kinda. It's like as a culture we hate that people are making money, and employing people, and producing products. But the issue I have is this hate is selective only Health insurance providers, lenders and traders, and oil companies are evil all other giant businesses get a pass. Why? The giant media and tech companies (Google) make billions and rip people off all the time? Why aren't they evil? Why aren't they being attacked by the media?
Wait... Because they pay the salaries of the media "reporters" (yes I used parenthesis on purpose I don't see anyone on TV as reporters anymore). So wouldn't that be the same as smear campaign? Aren't there laws or something about one company tearing down another company for profit?

So endith the rant:

on to plan... uh... plan?

So beginith the Rant:

I live on the beaches in North West Florida. Did you know that an oil company had an oil rig blow up and is currently leaking oil into the Gulf of Mexico? Did you know this problem is actually weeks old? Did you know that it's still pumping black gold into the water and that sludge is making landfall in Louisiana? Well if you didn't then you'd better thank God for waking you from your coma.

Here are the few things that are rubbing me sideways about this whole oil debacle. First, yes its a big deal that oil is leaking out of a big pipe into the gulf, but this isn't the first time we have had an oil spill. This has been happening all over the world since the dawn of using oil from the ground. Yet, if you listen to the media (who I am now convinced are retarded... All of them. And the only people who are even slightly convinced or believe anything they say are also mentally challenged. I trust the media less than I trust a career politician. Unless said media pundit actually sites sources that I too can read.) you would be convinced that nothing like this has ever happened and this spill is worse than dead babies, Y2k, and Hitler all mixed together, and there is nothing we can do to stop it!! We are all going to DIE!!! The oil will poison us all and then actually gain sentient thought and try to enslave us!! Basically, the media is full of crap. And the oil spill is a big deal... Just not that big a deal. It has happened before and it can be cleaned up.

"But Marshall, the oil company has done nothing. It didn't even have a plan. And the government is doing nothing, it doesn't even have a plan. Big Oil owns the government and is destroying the world... (insert your dumb ass hippie half cocked theory here)"

So whose fault is it? Let's look at the issues and you tell me.
-The rig blew up. For reason unknown. Could have been a structural thing. If so that part could be BP's fault or at least the engineering firm who designed it, or the contractor that built it or inspector that okay'd it.
The shut off valve failed. There again BP, contractor, engineer, or inspector.
-Can't plug the hole. Well, you see big oil had a plan. But it required some government okaying and well they kinda got delayed. So the needed emergency "butt plug" (Seriously plan A is drop a giant frigg'n cork, made of 10 tons of concrete and steel on it and go from there.) was not built quick enough. Why because the government wasn't sure if it was going to work so they needed convincing. Yes, the approved method of emergency stoppage that was agreed upon by the EPA and other government entities was sidelined while they argued whether or not it would work... My question is why didn't they have a few of those butt plugs pre-built in a yard somewhere? One would assume that with the number of rigs in the water that having one of those things ready to move would be a good idea. Strike one BP and Strike one Government.
-The oil was not contained. You see, there is another problem. There are things that can be built to protect coasts from oil. But the EPA wanted to do a study on how those would effect the marine life in the area, but not fast enough to allow for them to be built. So instead of a barrier that could be removed when all was said and done they opted for tons of oil to wash ashore. Good job hippies. And another strike government.
-The oil not getting cleaned up fast enough. Well, here is where it gets tricky. There was a plan A and B and even C to keep this under control, but the ever failing EPA stopped the oil company from using any of the approved plans in fear that it would damage the environment... Yes the EP-freak'n-A stopped cleanup to run test on the cleanup to make sure the cleanup wouldn't damage the environment all the while a 2 foot pipe is pouring crude oil into open water...
Strike (what number are we on?) government... But it gets better the whole time this is going on our environment loving government that is pushing to pass a cap and trade bill to hamstring production in the Untied States based on science that was proven false is still failing to send anyone from coast guard, navy, or EPA to reinforce the locals responding. Ooops another strike government.
Now, because of all this BP cannot do anything to clean anything up ,and they are being painted as failures because their plans haven't worked... Even though they have only been able to execute one of them.
What does this prove? What is my point?
Well, this is a textbook example of why hippies fail at life. Liberals and bureaucrats cannot accomplish anything... EVER! Seriously can you think of a government bureaucratic social plan that has ever succeeded?

I'll end with this:
"Sir that rug is on fire."
"Burning rugs can lead to burning houses we should put that out."
"Great idea, I have here a bucket of water."
"NO! don't throw that water on the fire it could damage the rug."
"Wait, won't the fire destroy the rug."
"Yes, but we can't go possibly damaging the rug keeping it from getting destroyed."
"Sir..."
"Yes."
"You are retarded."
"That is offensive to all mentally handicapped people around the world."
"No, you are retarding the situation, pushing back progress, and hinder forward momentum. By definition you are retarded. And now the rug is gone and the couch is on fire."
"Okay, lets find out who started this fire."
"Before we put it out?"

So endith the rant: